The First Time
Can you imagine what it must be like to see or hear for the first time? How absurd, and clean, and pure it must seem? Going all your life without knowing it, without even knowing how it is, and suddenly, it's just there for you. And you can be just like everybody else - in that sense - although it will probably always be different for you anyway. The colors, the different tones in music. Seeing for the first time, whatever it is that you see, must be beautiful. The first movie, the first dog on the street, the first time looking in the mirror. And hearing a song, hearing someone's voice, after you've spent 10 years hearing silence or interference. It must be like 10 thousand epiphanies at once. I had never imagined it, until I saw it. And it was amazing.
A Hora da Estrela
Sometime this week, I wrote something about how bad things are here in Brazil - politically speaking - and how I just wished I could leave, or that all the politicians would. Because of internet problems, I couldn't post it. And although all that is still true, I think you don't have to hear me complaining about national politics here. So, this post will be happier - ok, no, not happier, but at least more useful. It will be about Clarice Lispector.
There is an exihbit about her life and work at a museum in Sao Paulo (and 
if you live here, you should go). The whole exihbit is based on shadows and light, and on things that are not so visible, not obvious to the eye. In one room, you have 4 walls covered with drawers, 2 thousand in total. Some of them open, and give you little insights on her life, on her work. But that is all you get from Clarice Lispector, true to who she was in life. Clarice was, to everyone that knew her, a mistery. She was unhappy, or so she seemed to be. She carried the weight of the world in her back, and that is visible in her books. "The sadness in the book is so real, so clear, that I can only say that I am sorry that you have to feel this much. What we feel while reading your book, the uncontrolable sadness it provokes, must be five times more intense for you. And for that, I am sorry that you have to suffer this much". 
"Escrever é tantas vezes lembrar-se do que nunca existiu" ("to write is to remember over and over again something that never existed") says one of her quotes in the first room. Another quote of hers, one of the most famous, says "I am such a mistery I don't even inderstand". And that is what I get from Clarice Lispector. A person I just can't grasp, a loneliness I don't want to imagine, and a truth that we see only through veils and shadows. But what I see is beautiful anyway. However painful or inexplicable.
Tiny little fractures
At this point in life, I can say that I am very, very confused. In love and life, in work and in everything else. One of those existential moments, you know? Who am I, what I am doing, what-is-wrong-with-the-world sort of thing? There is nothing specifically wrong, but it's just tiny little fractures. I don't think there is one thing I know for sure (for sure sure, I mean) right this second. As I normally do in these situations, I ask for advice. From several people, several times. And I get normally the same answers, and one prevails "i don't know honey"; however, I heard something else this time: "just wait and see" - since half of these decisions don't depend on me, that seems clever enough, no? Yeah, right.
The thing is, I just can't seem to let that happen at times (by "at times" I mean always). I just can't wait, almost like a kid waiting for birthday gifts or something of the sort. I wanna see, I wanna do more, I just want to fast-forward and see what happened. Yes, life is not like that, and you just have to see how things flow, I know. I know they are right, but patience is definetely not one of my qualities. So, any helpful words of wisdom? (sorry for the very confessional post, but well, that's what the blog is here for every now and then)
Aaaand... she is back!
Just to update, she is back in prision. From what I read, kicking and screaming and crying. And no, I have nothing else to do, I know. And I apologize for the picture, I couldn't help myself.ps: I just thought about something today. This is a girl that made a life for herself by posing for photographers and basically being obnoxious. The media made her who she is. So it's pretty ironic that that very same media is one of the actors in her imprisonment. The scrutiny when she was released, the photographers, the bloggers.... their strong reaction sent her back to jail. Life is funny that way, no?ok, that's it on Paris. For now, anyway...
Out and about
Now, I know this is petty as hell, but Paris Hilton was in jail, and I was sort of happy about that. I know, it's horrble and mean, and it does show that I am superficial and wory about other people's lives maybe more than I should. But the thing is, she was in jail for something wrong she did. I don't know if her punishment was better or worse because she is famous - for nothing, we might add - but she was being punished. Justice worked, even if just a little bit. And now, as I open the internet, the first news that jump to my eyes is that she was released. Why? Why on earth???? After 2 or 3 days being alone in a cell, and getting almost as much tv time as she did when her sex video came out. Honestly, I don't understand. And the world seems more a bit more ridiculous than it did before.
Can you imagine what it must be like to see or hear for the first time? How absurd, and clean, and pure it must seem? Going all your life without knowing it, without even knowing how it is, and suddenly, it's just there for you. And you can be just like everybody else - in that sense - although it will probably always be different for you anyway. The colors, the different tones in music. Seeing for the first time, whatever it is that you see, must be beautiful. The first movie, the first dog on the street, the first time looking in the mirror. And hearing a song, hearing someone's voice, after you've spent 10 years hearing silence or interference. It must be like 10 thousand epiphanies at once. I had never imagined it, until I saw it. And it was amazing. 
